Are groups confidential?
Absolutely. Confidentiality is essential. Every participant is cautioned every night to keep everything they have seen and heard at the group including who was there confidential. Beach of confidentiality is considered a very severe issue and will be dealt with by the group leadership.
Does the group focus on any particular type of problem?
No. At it’s root all sexual sin is the same. It is not unusual to have people with all kinds of sexual struggles attend. Pornography is common to almost everybody but it is also quite common to see other struggles brought up in the group such as same sex attraction, adultery, exhibitionism, excessive masturbation and many others. We find that two men who act this struggle out differently have much more in common that you would expect.
What happens in a group?
There is a short opening where confidentiality and other things are reviewed. After that there is typically a reading from a book. The book is usually material that has been written by someone that struggles in this area that others have found very helpful. After the reading the group discusses what has been read and then we “get current”. Getting current is discussing what is happening in your life, any struggles and successes. After that, the group closes with a final prayer.
Will coming to group “make it easy” to quit?
Actually, each person is different. For most people the first three months of being “sexually sober” is very difficult. There is a growing body of evidence that suggests that there are brain chemistry issues that acting out affect and this takes time to reset. It is wise to make a personal three month commitment and then act on that commitment. Believe me, in the beginning it is very easy to find excuses to not make the meeting as your brain tries to convince you that you don’t really need group support. I can tell you that personally, group is a very necessary part of staying sexually sober.
You keep saying “sexually sober”. What is that?
The core definition of sexually sobriety is simple. It is defined as no sex with self or others outside of marriage. Many men take that a step further and expand that definition to include issues that lead to acting out. For instance, some men will expand that definition to include viewing certain kinds of “gray” material that tends to lead them to greater temptation.
What is “acting out”?
Acting out is any kind of sexual activity that is not helpful in staying sexually sober. This can include but can also go beyond the following:
Opposite of being sexual sober.
Engaging in any improper or illicit sexual activity.
Having any kind of sex with yourself or anyone but your spouse.
What happens if I see someone I know at a meeting?
Not to worry. If you walk into the room and there is someone you know it is important to remember that they are just as worried about “being discovered” as you are. Typically what happens is that you develop a much deeper friendship because of this shared struggle.
Is there a long term commitment?
No long term commitment per se. The deal is this…usually men who struggle with this issue will find that they will not be successful long term unless they stay involved and connected to a group of like minded people who are committed to “sexual sobriety”.
Most guys feel like they are the only person in the world to struggle with sexual issues. Finding a group of guys that share the same struggle and the acceptance of the group is a huge relief. You will most likely find that after a few weeks you will want to go to group.
Do I have to talk about my stuff?
No. Talking is optional and some weeks you will hear people say “pass”. You will find that discussing the group topic for the night and “getting current” are very helpful to your long term progress.
How long does the group meet?
One to one and a half hours each week.
Does it cost anything?
Nope! There are no dues or fees but the group is self supporting. There is an opportunity to give voluntarily at each meting.
Do I have to tell my wife?
No, but it is helpful. Typically, if a married man is looking for this group his wife already knows. You will find that as you heal that there is a great sense of freedom that comes with those significant people in our lives knowing that you have this struggle. This freedom helps bring healing in your life, heart and in your relationships.
Where are groups?
We don’t publish a list of groups and their locations for confidentiality reasons. Please give one of the contacts a call and they can help you find a group or groups that work for your schedule.
Why for men only?
Some men have issues with affairs and acting out with others. It is best and wise to keep men and women separate. Unfortunatly, we do not know of any groups for women dealing with sexual issues. If you know of any or find one please let us know by emailing us here. firstname.lastname@example.org
Can I send my husband?
No. He needs to want to go. The bad news is that no wife, girlfriend, mother or friend can make someone get better. The best thing you can do is to tell them about the group, ask that they go and then sit back and allow the Holy Spirit to convict him.
I am a pastor, will I get “outted” if I show up?
No. This is a confidential group. It is strictly prohibited for a member to disclose to anybody outside the group who they saw at the group that night. Ever! Sexual addiction does not respect job title, pay range, social status, marital status, intelligence or any other group. It is an equal opportunity problem. There are people from all walks of life involved.
Are there age limits?
No. I have personally seen people from 18 – 69 years old at groups.
What are the benefits of attending?
The benefits include learning that you are not alone. Meeting other men that share your beliefs and your struggles. Feeling loved and accepted unconditionally – possibly for the first time ever. F&T meetings can be a part of a larger program that may include a good counselor, some heart work and an accountability partner. The greater benefits include being sexually sober. Living at peach with yourself and those around you. Learning to be truly close and intimate with your wife. Never worrying again about if you have covered your racks. Living honestly. Living at peach with God. It’s worth it.